


One Thing I Can't Erase

by Finduilas



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21835804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas/pseuds/Finduilas
Summary: The events of Civil War are behind them, and the team has made up. There's still one thing on Tony's mind though.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 290





	One Thing I Can't Erase

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Gemma for the beta!

The Leipzig airport and Siberia are long behind them, and bridges have been carefully mended, brick by brick. 

It didn’t happen overnight, but Clint and Natasha could never stay mad at each other for very long; it was inevitable that they would make up. Vision and Wanda were quick to make amends because they couldn’t help but gravitate towards each other. It’s hard to argue for very long with someone like Vision anyway, the epitome of reason. Scott really couldn’t hide his awe for Tony for very long (No, it wasn’t just Steve that was on the receiving end of the awkward fanboy behavior) and Sam ended up being there for every step of Rhodey’s recovery, which in turn helped mend the relationship between Sam and Tony. 

Bucky is still in Wakanda, and Steve understands why, respects his friend’s decision, but he hopes that one day Bucky will be able to join them at the compound, now that everything is more or less back to normal. As if anything in their lives ever really was to begin with? 

Tony speaks to Steve again. Which is huge, in Steve’s eyes. They argue, they disagree on a lot, sometimes even agree on certain things. Steve always feels a little surge of hope inside of him whenever they do, even if it’s about something mundane like what food to order in or which strategy to go into battle with. (Yes, that _is_ mundane for them. That’s what their lives are like now.) It makes Steve believe that all is not lost between them. 

Though he does realize that a lot is broken. Wounds may heal, but not without scars. Steve can only hope that they can live with those scars; the alternative, not having Tony is his life, is not something that Steve can live with. 

Steve knows that they both had a lot to apologize for, him probably more than Tony. But even if everything isn’t quite alright between them, at least they’re on speaking terms again, and that is more than Steve expected at one point. So he’s grateful, and he takes whatever he can get when it comes to Tony. 

Steve is sitting on the couch, fiddling away on his phone, not really paying much attention as Tony is explaining something to Sam over by the big table, on how he somehow improved the Falcon outfit. Steve is constantly amazed that Tony’s brain seems to be able to spit out upgrade after upgrade after upgrade and he sometimes fails to understand the details of it all. He’s pleased though, because Sam is clearly excited about it, thanking Tony and saying, “This is awesome. I’ve always wanted something like this.” 

“Good thing your buddy over there didn’t finish me off before I could make it happen then.” 

It’s an off-handed comment, Tony’s voice doesn’t even sound angry or frustrated, but it makes Steve’s chest tighten instantly and a nauseous feeling rise in his stomach. His fingers freeze around the phone and his head snaps up at Tony and Sam, lips parted in shock. Sam’s eyes flick between Steve and Tony quickly. Tony doesn’t even seem to notice, opening up some more holograms for Sam from his tablet. 

“Uhm…” Sam says, clearing his throat, which is what gets Tony to finally look up and at Steve, who’s still frozen in his seat, staring horrified at Tony. 

“Relax, Rogers,” Tony says, just as casual as the comment he made, “It was a joke.” 

“Tony…” Steve says, the word sounding windy and coming from afar, like Steve isn’t really sure it escaped his own mouth. 

Sam doesn’t need more to start his retreat, saying, “I think I should probably leave you two…” 

Tony looks at him exasperated, tilting his head in frustration, like he really doesn’t understand what the big deal is. He rolls his eyes but Sam is already out the door, closing it behind him for good measure. 

“It was a joke,” Tony says curtly, crumbling up the holograms in front of him with one crush of his fist. He’s definitely annoyed now. 

“Was it?” Steve asks, his heart pounding in his chest, and when did he get up off the couch anyway? 

Tony just does that thing with his mouth, presses his lips together as he gestures a hand at Steve, literally waving him off. 

“Tony…” Steve says, shaking his head bewildered, because the enormity of what Tony implied is just too big for Steve to shed. 

“Lets not do this,” Tony says, and Steve recognizes the voice of a man who has had this conversation in his head multiple times but doesn’t actually want to have it with Steve. He’d rather be anywhere but here. “It’s not important.” 

_Like hell it isn’t_ , Steve thinks but the words get stuck in his throat because does Tony really think that…? 

Steve realizes that he hasn’t said anything in a while, just stared at Tony with disbelief in his eyes, because Tony says sharply, “Good talk” and makes his way towards the door. 

“I would never…” Steve starts hurriedly, to stop Tony from leaving, but Tony snorts just as quickly as the words fall out. 

“Okay, fine, you wanna do this?” Tony says, but it isn’t really a question anymore, because Steve can see anger rising in Tony’s body. “I thought I was doing you a favor, doing _us_ a favor, by actually letting this go. Moving on, being the bigger man. Everything that really isn’t _me_. But whatever. Avengers assembling and all that shit.” He sighs. “For fuck’s sake, I was giving you a free pass! But you really want me to ask the question?” 

Steve doesn’t want him to, can feel his entire body tensing up at the thought of it. Muscles tightening up as if he’s going into battle. And yet there doesn’t seem to be an answer other than, “Yes.” 

There’s a beat of silence that encompasses the room, and Tony is standing in front of Steve now, his jaw clenched, his eyes boldly meeting Steve’s. It's only a facade because there’s a hitch in Tony’s breath that reveals the insecurity, the worry, the fear. And then Tony asks, “Would you have killed me?” 

This isn’t a joke. This isn’t Tony just spewing out words like he sometimes does, just because he feels a need to fill the room with sound. This is a genuine question that Tony genuinely doesn’t know the answer to - or fears that he does - and Steve feels nauseous. He feels sick to his stomach that he’s let things get this far that Tony would actually believe Steve could ever take his life. 

“No,” Steve says, the word barely a breath. At first glance, Tony’s face doesn’t seem to change composure, but Steve is looking at him carefully, intensely, and he can see the minute twitch in Tony’s jawline. He can spot the way Tony’s eyes appear to be on Steve but are actually focussed on nothing, like he’s afraid to actually look at him. “Tony, _no_ ,” Steve says it again, because he will say it as many times as needed, it’ll be all he says for the rest of his life if he has to, but he needs to make Tony believe him. 

“You didn’t seem like you were pulling your punches,” Tony says, barely moving a muscle. 

Steve could still feel his fists slamming into Tony for a long time after Siberia. He’d dream about it, waking up in a sweat, breathless. Afraid to go back to sleep for fear of having the same nightmare over and over again. It still haunts him. 

“Neither did you,” Steve says, and he immediately regrets the words because even though they’re true, he has long forgiven Tony for it. Tony was acting out of grief, out of a sense of betrayal, he lashed out on instinct and even though that doesn’t entirely excuse his rage, it makes it understandable. Maybe it could have been avoided if Steve had been honest with him about his parents from the start. He all but forced Tony’s hand, and he knows it. 

“I regret so many things about that day, Tony,” Steve says, subdued, “I had… I had nightmares about it. About what I did to you.” Tony doesn’t have to tell him that he did as well. Steve _knows_. “Maybe I was blinded by my need to protect Bucky. Maybe I wanted to hurt you just a little bit for hurting him, for not believing in him, because I knew that he didn’t choose to do what he did. That if he’d been himself, he never would have. But you didn’t know him, and you had all of ten seconds to process seeing what you saw on that monitor…” Steve can see the pain flicker over Tony’s face at the mention of the images that they saw. “And then finding out that…” Steve shakes his head, but he knows he has to say it. Tony deserves that much. “... that I knew.” His stomach turns as the confession leaves his mouth. 

Tony looks pale, tired, not the same person that was joyfully showing off his latest creation to Sam only a few minutes ago. 

“Maybe I didn’t pull my punches,” Steve admits, regretfully, “But all they were meant for was to stop you, to make sure we could get away… Never to - ”

“And if it had been the only way?” Tony asks, his chin up high, challenging Steve like he always does. There’s nobody that challenges him the way Tony does, not even Bucky. 

“No,” Steve shakes his head, because there is no way in hell… 

“You say that now, but…” Tony starts, clearly not convinced. 

“I will say that _always_ ,” Steve is quick to reply, “Tony, there is no other answer to that question. I would never, _never_ have taken your life. Do you…?” Steve swallows around the lump in his throat. “Did you think I was going to? Did you… did you fear for your life?” 

Tony doesn’t answer straight away, which is enough of an answer for Steve, and he feels like the wind is being knocked out of his chest. He can’t breathe. 

“Oh my God,” Steve mutters, eyes wide as he can feel a bitter taste in his mouth, his throat.

“When the shield came down,” Tony says, his eyes glazed over, like he’s back in that moment, “I didn’t know if you’d remembered that I got my arc reactor removed. If that was what you were aiming for. I didn’t know how deep you’d meant to push it. When it went through the armor, I…”

“ _Oh my God_ ,” Steve repeats, pressing his eyes shut but it does nothing to block out the memories, or the words Tony is saying and the way it makes him feel. 

“I thought that…” Tony goes on, quietly, “...as you walked away… maybe you didn’t know if I’d make it or not. Maybe you didn’t care.” 

Steve’s hands reach out of their own accord and even though he knows he doesn’t have the right, he pulls Tony into them, clutching him close to his chest, burying his face in Tony’s shoulder. Tony tenses up, and there’s a fraction of a second that he feels Tony pull away, hands on Steve’s sides to push him away but before Steve can even react, Tony goes slack inside of Steve’s arms, like he just decided that he doesn’t want to fight it anymore. “I’m sorry,” Steve mutters against the fabric of Tony’s shirt, and he isn’t sure if Tony can even hear it. “I’m so sorry.” Tony’s hands are hesitant when they reach up at first, then determined all of a sudden as his fists grab Steve’s shirt, clutching, and there’s a soundless sob that’s going through Tony’s body, jolting against Steve. 

Steve tilts his head up, but doesn’t let go of his grip on Tony. He needs to know that Tony can hear him. “If even for one second I would have thought your life was truly in danger,” Steve breathes out raggedly, his mouth close to Tony’s ear, “I never would have left. I would have stayed, I would have called in help, I would have carried you to safety myself, no matter what the consequences would have been for me, or for Bucky.” 

“You did leave,” Tony says, and he disentangles himself from Steve’s embrace. It isn’t brusk or angry, he just gently nudges his hands against Steve, and Steve’s arms fall, letting him go. “You made a choice.” 

“I didn’t choose against you, Tony,” Steve says, his arms suddenly feeling empty without Tony in them. “You think I didn’t want us to be on the same side? I felt like I had no choice. Bucky, he’s - ” 

“Your friend, I know,” Tony says, the pain visible in every inch of his face, and Steve can still hear the words echo in his mind. _So was I._ They still go straight to his heart. 

“I would have done the same for you,” Steve says, earnestly. 

“I want to believe that,” Tony says, his tone betraying that he isn’t sure. 

“I would still do the same for you,” Steve goes on, because all he has to offer is honesty, and he will lay it all out on the line if he can salvage whatever is left of their relationship. “I know that after everything that happened, it’s probably almost impossible for you to believe me.”

“I thought…” Tony shakes his head. Even though Steve has a good few inches on Tony, Tony has never felt small to him, until right now. Steve hates himself for being the one to make that happen. “I believed you when you said we’d do it together. Win or lose, we’d do it together.” 

“I meant it,” Steve says, regret flooding his body for what happened afterwards. 

“And yet you left,” Tony says, and somehow he doesn’t even make it sound like an accusation, just a finality. 

Steve has no rebuttal. He doesn’t even understand himself how everything came to be. How he did what he did. All he knows is that he wishes it hadn’t. That they’d all made different decisions. That it would never have come to this, but yet here they are. 

“You have no reason to forgive me,” Steve says, deflated. There’s a sting in his eyes as he realizes that maybe there simply is no salvaging this. That some things, there is just no coming back from. Steve looks down, trying to compose himself. “I just want you to know that I never wanted to do those things to you. That I would rather give my life for yours, no matter who threatens to take it. I care about you, Tony, and I don’t blame you for not believing me, but it’s the truth. It’s all I can offer. I care about you more than you’ll ever know.” Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. He isn’t sure what there is left to say. Or how they’ll continue from here on. He loves Tony, but it doesn’t feel fair to say it out loud. Like it would feel manipulative somehow, even though it is nothing but the bare truth. 

“That’s the thing though, isn’t it…?” Tony’s voice startles Steve, who wasn’t actually expecting anything more from Tony. Tony snorts humorlessly. “I’ll always end up forgiving you.”

“Why?” Steve asks, bewildered, and he curses himself for the sparkle of hope that Tony’s words give him. 

Tony sighs, like he really doesn’t want to continue down this road. “Because if I don’t, then…” Tony says anyway, but shakes his head. “If I can’t manage to forgive you, then that’s it. It’s the end,” Tony says, “And I… I can’t have it be the end, Steve. All of this…” Tony spreads his arms, looking around him. His voice sounds frail. “This mission, the team… just everything. Life. I don’t want to do it without you.” Tony shuts his eyes, like he doesn’t want to face what he just said, the implications of it all. Like he doesn’t want it to be true, but has no choice

Steve lets out a shuddering breath as he lets Tony’s words sink in. It’s basically all Steve ever wanted to hear and yet he’d give it up if it would give Tony some peace of mind. Steve takes a step forward, carefully places his fingers around Tony’s hand, loosely, to give Tony all the opportunity in the world to pull back. But he doesn’t, instead he opens his eyes - golden brown and glistening - and meets Steve’s. 

“I’ll do better,” Steve says, bringing up his other hand to cup Tony’s face. “I know what’s at stake. I don’t want to do any of it without you either. I don’t even know if I can.” His thumb carefully scratching over the line of Tony’s stubble. 

“Can we just…?” Tony asks, his face tilting slightly, leaning into Steve’s touch. Steve isn’t entirely sure what Tony is asking, but he knows that it’s moving forward, leaving some of the past behind and to Steve it’s a promise to be there for each other when he says, “Yes.” 

Tony nods like he believes him, his eyes closing again, leaning forward, into Steve’s space. Steve lets his thumb brush over Tony’s bottom lip gently, experimentally, a way to ask for permission. Tony doesn’t pull away, instead the tip of his tongue darts out and makes contact with Steve’s skin for only a fraction of a second, but the touch spreads through Steve’s entire body like a wildfire. And then Tony leans up and Steve’s eyes fall shut as Tony’s lips press against his, tentatively, hesitantly, but it feels like a sure decision somehow.

He lets Tony guide the kiss, lips moving softly against lips, the touch in no way demanding or a prelude to something. But it feels like love to Steve… like a spark of hope, and that is so much more than Steve could have wished for. And then the kiss is over - too soon, but every second of it etched in his brain - Tony still leans into Steve’s embrace, face pressed against Steve’s neck, arms come around to pull Steve against him. 

Steve squeezes his eyes shut, a feeble attempt to hold in tears that threaten to fall as he breathes in the smell of Tony’s hair. There are so many things he wants to say to Tony, so many promises he wants to make, but he knows that that’s not what Tony needs right now. He broke his promises before; his words might not mean a lot anymore, so it’s up to him now to prove to Tony that he won’t do it again, to show him just how much Tony means to him, to make sure he believes it. So instead of making promises to Tony out loud, he makes them to himself, a silent vow to earn Tony’s trust again and to hold it. He presses a kiss into Tony’s dark curls, grateful that he is allowed to. 

Steve isn’t entirely sure how long they stand there like that, holding onto each other, but he would have been content never to move again. In the end, they do. Tony pulls away slightly, and Steve can detect a faint blush on his cheeks. 

“You know you scare the crap out of me,” Tony says. 

Steve sucks in a sharp breath, suddenly fearing it’ll all go up in smoke already. 

“No, not…” Tony shakes his head, like he knows exactly what Steve is thinking. “It’s scary the way I feel about you, even after everything…” 

“I’m not sure I deserve it,” Steve confesses, but Tony just purses his lips in that way that he does and waves him off. The gesture is so typical Tony and Steve is hit once again with how much he’s missed this man. “What do you want…?” Steve asks, because even after the kiss, the embrace, he doesn’t want to assume anything. Maybe Tony just had a weak moment, maybe this was simply a way of showing he’s working on forgiving him, maybe Tony loves him the way Steve loves Tony but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s willing to give into that. And Steve would understand that. “I mean, with us?” 

“Oh, you're gonna leave the tough decisions for me?” Tony says, side-eyeing him. A smirk is tugging at the corner of his mouth despite his wet eyes, and he bumps his shoulder into Steve’s chest. “Some superhero you are.” 

“I’m not all I’m cracked up to be,” Steve smiles, nerves making way slowly as Tony’s trademark humor seeps through again. 

“You’re still pretty okay,” Tony says, looking up at him under long lashes. “What do you want?” 

“You.” The truth comes out without even thinking about it, it feels so easy all of a sudden. 

Tony’s face opens up in a smile, and he takes a minute step forward again, personal space a thing of the past. “Good answer,” he whispers, nodding. He’s not quite as bold yet as the Tony Steve is used to, but Steve is gaining confidence every second that they’ll get there. “We can try this… _together_ thing again,” Tony says, looking down at the floor as he adds, “Just… for real this time. And maybe...not too fast?” 

If ever Steve needed proof that he broke Tony’s heart… Tony who jumped into everything, calculating but working with acceptable risks; Tony who used to be proud to call himself a playboy, treating sex like just that and nothing more; Tony who is now trying to protect his own heart, and Steve is grateful for it, because it deserves protecting. 

“Yes,” Steve nods, carefully bringing up his hands to brush over Tony’s arms. “That sounds… _yes_.” 

“Okay,” Tony says on an exhale, and it feels like a promise between them. He tilts his head up again and says, “Now kiss me.”

The words spread a warmth throughout Steve’s body, a hopeful and promising feeling for the future, one that he could have with Tony. 

“That, I can do,” Steve whispers, and leans in to comply. 

_That, I can do all day._

***

Fin 

  
  
  
  
  



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